Christian Apologetic Index
David G. Nesbitt - Kelowna, British Columbia
Sola Gratia, Sola Fide... Sola Scriptura, Tota Scriptura... Solus Christus, Soli Deo GloriaHome / Humour ...
You may be a fundy atheist if...
Thanks to J. P. Holdings from Tektonics.org1. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday School. Your ideas about God haven't changed since.
2. You think that the primary aim of an omnibenevolent God is for people to have fun.
3. You think questions like, "Can God create a rock so big that He cannot lift it?" is a particularly devestating example of how to disprove God's omnipotence and, ultimately, how to disprove God. When someone coherently demonstrates for you how incredibly illogical that question is, you desperately try to defend the question, but then give up and go to a different Christian chatroom to ask them.
4. When a Christian offers you his own personal experience as evidence for God, you consider it meaningless and subjective. But when he offers you historical, philosophical, and scientific evidence for God, you consider it inconclusive and claim that you would need to personally experience God in order to believe in him.
5. You believe that extra drippy ice cream is a logical proof against the existence of God because an omniscient God would know how to stop the ice cream from being extra drippy, an omnipotent God would have the ability to stop the ice cream from being extra drippy, and by golly, an omnibenevolent God wouldn't want your ice cream to be extra drippy.
6. You call a view that is held by less than ten percent of the American public "common sense."
7. You pride yourself on being skeptical of extraordinary claims. You also pride yourself on silencing everyone who is skeptical of the extraordinary claims of evolution.
8. When you watch a punt returner run a 93-yard touchdown, you marvel at what evolution has done for the human race. But when someone gets cancer, you blame God for it.
9. When the Pope says that God may have used evolution, he is an enlightened religious leader whom Christians should listen to. But when the Pope preaches on the sanctity of human life from conception, and thus denounces abortion, he's just a senile religious bigot who should keep his opinions to himself.
10. You feel that, although the chances of life forming without an intelligent creator are small, it did indeed happen that way. But you don't believe me when a rock, coming from my direction, hits you in the back of the head and I tell you, "I didn't throw it. There was a sudden shift in the earth's gravitational field and the rock levitated towards and impacted against your head. Yes, I know the chances are small but it did happen that way."
11. When a Christian points out the impossibility of a biological system or feature arising by pure chance, you accuse them of invoking a "God of the Gaps." However, when you are asked how a particular biological system or feature could come about solely by chance, you invoke "Evolution of the Gaps" (i.e. we don't know how but we do know that evolution must have done it!).
12. You claim Creationists don't research evolution websites before debating against it. Luckily you caught this useful weapon against Christians at the evolution website you learned all about Creationism from.
13. You believe that when the founding fathers of America were framing the Constitution they were staunch deists. But when they were beating their slaves, they were Bible-believing Christians.
14. When you use a historical perspective to indicate the potential that Christianity may be a contrived religion, it is a legitimate argument founded upon objective sources. But when a Christian uses historical scholarship to demonstrate otherwise, history was written by men expressing a subjective perspective and is therefore inconclusive.
15. You spell "God" with a lower case "g." You also add an "E" to "B.C." And you replace the word "Christ" with an "x." Yet ironically, when asked to name the planets, you have no problem with spouting out the appropriate list of Roman Gods. Heck, you'll even spell them with capital letters! Not only that, you can even spell the name of the trans-Neptunian object "Quaoar," and are delighted that it comes from the creation mythology of the Tongva people.
16 . You believe that Hitler claiming to be a Christian is proof enough that he was a Christian, while George Washington only claimed to be a Christian in order to win the people's favor.
17. You assert that the 300 Protestants who were put to death under the reign of "Bloody Mary" in 16th century England stand as noteworthy proof of the inherent evil of Christianity, but the tens of millions killed by Marxist regimes under Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot in the 20th century have absolutely nothing to do with the profound atheism inherent in these regimes.
18. You think if a Christian won't address your arguments, they are too frightened to do so, or know they can't answer them. But if they do address your arguments, it is because they were "threatened" by them.
19. You consistently deny the existence of God because you personally have never seen him, and you reject out of hand personal testimony from theists who claim to have experienced God as a reality in their lives.
20. You assert that the crimes and failings of some Christians disproves the whole edifice of Christianity, but that the crimes and failings of some atheists should on no account be held against the philosophy of atheism.
21. You assert that there is no absolute categories of good and evil, that all morals are merely personal/social/evolutionary constructs, but then you can still describe Christians and Christianity as immoral, repugnant, and a danger to humanity and not feel even a twinge of hypocrisy at the monumental illogic of your position.
22. You think that Josh McDowell represents the apex of Christian scholarly apologetical thinking.
23. You think "lack of evidence is evidence of lack" is a logically robust argument.
24.. You get angry when Christians tell you you're going to a place that you don't think exists.
25. You think that by definition an evolutionist is more knowledgeable than a creationist on any subject.
26. You think Christians are narrow-minded for believing in only one religion, but atheists are open-minded for believing in absolutely none.
27. You feel that Christians who go into atheist chat rooms are "shoving their beliefs down people's throats", and that atheists who go into Christian chat rooms are only trying to educate.
28. You demand that theists explain news items where bad things have happened to theists, even though no theists have claimed the idea that God is some kind of a lucky charm that wards off bad luck.
29. You think God was cruel for "killing all of those innocent babies" in the flood, and that Christians are cruel for opposing a woman's right to abort her baby.
30 You dislike how liberal theists try to interpret the Bible for themselves, while you create your own interpretations of the Bible for yourself.
31. You label all scholars that actually believe the Bible as "biased fundies" while those who don't believe it are known as "honest" and "accepted scholarship."
32. When a Christian's interpretation of a passage (based on the social/literary context) solves one of your favourite contradictions, it is merely their personal interpretation and can be dismissed as such. But your interpretation (based on a "plain" reading of the text) to arrive at the contradiction in the first place is entirely objective, and is obviously the correct interpretation.
33. You consistently appear in chatrooms or discussion lists demanding that Christians accept your literal interpretation of various scriptural passages just so you can then launch into the usual "argument by outrage" -- despite being told over and over that no Bible scholar or school of Christianity shares your particular bizarre literal interpretation.
34. You pontificate about the Bible as if you are an expert in theology, textual criticism, ancient languages, cultures, and much more besides, when your knowledge of the Bible is just cut and paste from atheist discussion lists which cut and paste it from atheist websites which cut and paste it from embarrassingly unscholarly rantings by the likes of Messer's Freke & Gandy and Acharya S. and...
35. Your philosophical "cultural relativism" magically vanishes in the blink of an eye when you're attacking Bible narratives, where suddenly you ignore all considerations of ritual purification and cleanliness, the evils of the Canaanites and the fact that ancient society was always one step from anarchy, et cetera ad nauseum.
36. You take the lack of discovering Jesus' body as evidence that a hoax was perpetrated.
37. When you say "I don't know" you are being brave and honest. When a theist says "I don't know" they are being evasive.
38. You take a self-righteous pedantic stand, on principle, against Christian apologists writing under pseudonyms, but always refer to French infidel writer François Marie Arouet by his acceptable and widely used pseudonym "Voltaire".
39. Last of all -- you write this website a letter which includes a rebuttal to the above listing!
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Copyright © 2003 by David G. Nesbitt. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. Inquiries should be addressed to Christian Apologetic Index, 1424 Bertram Street, Kelowna, British Columbia, V1Y-2G2